bleahxxxxxx

2012-01-13T11:45:00.001+08:00

SIGHHH.

I don't know where all my money had gone to! D:

It's way way way way too little now.

I don't know how.

I want to cry alreadyyyy.

2012-01-08T10:40:00.002+08:00

I'm vexed.

I really am.

And, I know I cannot go back to my old self.

I have to stop.

BUT I CAN'T!

I can't stop thinking about it.

Why is it that whenever I thought that i'm out of all these rubbish, I will start to get back to it all over again?

I feel super lousy.

But who can really help me?

I just got to help myself.

But I can't, and I really don't know how to.

2012-01-06T20:07:00.002+08:00

I don't know and don't have any new year resolutions.

I don't dare to wish for anything anymore.

I don't want to have any anticipations anymore.

I don't want to feel disappointed again.

I don't want I don't wantt.

ohh. I hope I can pass my Sem 2.

It's so scary. I don't like those modules :(

Somehow, I can see your shadow in that person.

And I think I must be mad.

But It's kind of scary, you know?

2011-12-28T11:24:00.001+08:00

I hate the kind of feeling i'm having now.

It's killing me.

I don't feel well at all.

I thought I was ok, but i'm not.

I don't want to cry, but I can't.

I don't know how and I don't know why.

2011-12-07T10:08:00.003+08:00

I found one wrong answer for my PSY already.

so affecteddddd D:

because I wrote the right answer and I happily changed to a wrong answer.

ohman. I think I need to believe the 'trust your first instinct'

bleahhhh.

I'm in a total holiday mood already.

I'm so dead la.

And I so so so so want to go Taiwan/Hongkong!

2011-12-05T17:12:00.003+08:00

finally one down!

I hope I get at least a 40 out of the 60 :(

hearing that there's no much answer A, I think I am going to be so dead.

But, ohwells, there's nothing I can do nowwwww.

next up is music!

then philo and finally, maths.

I think i'm going to flunk my Philo -.-

lucky I passed my optional essay!

*don't compare with them!!! you are doing good!*

2011-11-23T22:12:00.004+08:00

today, JP called for me again -.-

WHY LIKE THAT?

I don't know how to answer any of his questions, as usual.

Make me paisei only.

bleah. and nobody helped me :(

fine~

today, he said my answer for the reflection very interesting.

So he decided to ask me more about my answer.

He said a lot and half of the time I don't understand what he was saying -.-

So, I can't answer him at all -.-

such an awkward moment~

yay for my quiz 6. I used the wrong example~

Lucky she didn't fail me >.<

but I can foresee that my essay is going to be so dead, since I used the same example.

WIN!

Whatever it is,

school is finally ending!

I can't wait for exams to be over.

and then batam trip!

I hope I don't fail any modules.

Give me at least a passing mark (GPA)!

But, of course I hope I won't get lousy GPA.

Bless me!

2011-11-23T06:59:00.002+08:00

why did I even made such a stupid mistake?

why why why?

so damn affected.

but I know I need to get over of it.

this is not the end of the world.

be glad this is not the final.

~.~

T.T

2011-11-20T16:50:00.002+08:00

I'm on an absolutely bad mood recently.

Totally fierce.

Crying on and off.

NOOOO. Don't tell me it's a relapse.

I don't want to go through the same pain again.

I'm glad for my new friends.

Thanks them for always encouraging me, offering to help me with my assignments.

I don't know what else to say, but I really appreciate those girls! (:

Did I announce that I'm moving house?

Yes, I am.

To Holland!

back to the place I have been living when I'm small (:

I'm so so so so stressed up.

I don't know why.

what to do?

2011-11-16T21:08:00.003+08:00

I'm so so so shagged.

Totally CUI.

I'm so pissed off with those 2!

Till I cried.

What's with them like seriously?!

Stop acting like you are some pros, and we have to listen to you!

Stop ordering us to do this and that!

2 more days! After the presentation, I will be done with them!

Hopefully everything will be fine.

GRRR.

5 more school days!!!!!!!

2011-10-31T21:10:00.001+08:00

So much to do :(

I'm like so so so so shagged.

there's a oral presentation on Wed :(

I don't want to go school :((((

2011-10-25T23:40:00.002+08:00

had my math test and psy exam today.

think it's going to be so badly done.

I remember every point that I studied but the paper included so many new terms that I have never seen before :(

so dead again.

I'm so tired. Holiday = Assignment day

Totally shagged.

I have like so many to do.

I need a rest so badlyyyy :(

2011-10-24T18:52:00.002+08:00

yay to me!

I'm so going to fail my philo 2nd in-class reflection :)

Seriously, why are we having this write-up exercise? :(

I'm bad at writing stuffs on the spot :(

let me guess... 0/10? :)

on a good note, I passed all my mid-terms!

ok, except music, haven't got it back yet.

I have like 2 papers tomorrow!

awesome or what?

I can't seem to get anything into my head :(

I'm so dead again.

Why am I always going through the same torture?

2011-10-22T12:10:00.005+08:00

I can't help it but to think more than what I should.

Even a small matter can become a big matter to me.

This is me, you and I can't change this fact that I'm like that.

I didn't chose to behave what I am behaving now either.

I am suffering too.

I don't want to get affected by this anymore. Enough is enough and I have enough of this. I'm tired, really tired. Hate me if you want to.

2011-10-12T18:59:00.002+08:00

I just had two mid-terms today :(

ESL confirm plus chop FAILED ~.~

Philo.. half half~

hope I can at least pass it?

English totally killed me todayy.

Like seriously?

I officially hate nerds, geeks and glams alreadyyyy :(

I can't even finish writing.

And I don't think I wrote it in the correct way.

I don't have good points either.

so so so so so so deadddddddd.

2011-09-30T23:10:00.003+08:00

time flies.
it has been a month since I started schoollll.
2 weeks ago I was so stresssssed, broke down and thought of quitting, givingup.
not like i'm not nowww.
I'm still as stressss, but am trying very hard to stay strong.
i'm like having tests every weekkk.
kind of hate tests/exams officially now :(
after this test, I need to study another.
and when finally the week comes to an end, I need to start preparing for the next test again -.-
NEVER ENDING~

I PASSED MY PHILO IN-CLASS WRITINGGGGG.
1ST SHOCK.
I PASSED MY ENGLISH QUIZ ONE.
2ND SHOCK.
ok, that was just pure luck.
I was so so so so surprised!
welll, English quiz 2 sure DIE~

ANDDDD.
HE SMS-ED ME.
3RD SHOCK.
I really really really don't know what's in his mind.
Why now?
Why now when he has got a gf already.
I don't need him to like feel sorry for me.
Because I know you don't!
If you are, you won't wait till now then contact me.
And.. why won't you answer me when I asked how are u?
refuse to tell me that you are attached?
hah. as if I don't know~
and as usual, me being the silly one, REPLIED.
foreverrrrr lousyyy.

2011-09-08T13:03:00.002+08:00

Can someone please tell me what is happening?

I feel so left out now.

Like seriously.

That kind of feeling is back to me again.

I feel like i'm all alone in this small space of mine.

I feel so out of place.

I feel i'm not one of them anymore.

I don't know who can I go to now.

Or rather, i'm trying very hard to not talk to anyone about my problems now.

I think I have change, ok, somehow.

is it good or is it a way to run away from problems?

2011-09-07T23:12:00.002+08:00

I'm so shag.
I'm so shag. T.T

Quizzes are coming in next weekkkkk.
so dead.
still the same old whining.
philo oh philooo I HATE YOU :(

something seems to be going on.
but I don't know what.
somehow I think it's all different now.
we aren't as close like we used to be.
and it's not just between me and you,
me and you too..
you and you seems to be happier with your and your friends.
isn't it?
you have no mood to meet us, but is happily taking photos with your friends.
the way you replied me is like you feel so irritated by me.
so what have I exactly done?
I'm so so so tired.
sometimes, I just wish that I can stop reading so much into things.

2011-08-31T21:57:00.003+08:00

after today's English class, I think I really need to improve the way I write -.-
then Music class, it's all about history and more historyyyyy.
Last but not least, PHILOSOPHY! I really think I will fail this module, like real bad. SO DEAD.
Please at least give me a pass? :(

Today is another 12hours in school. Nice!
TOMORROW no school! I should be like happy but I'm NOT!
because 13hours of work is waiting for me T.T

I really don't know if I can survive thru.
5 modules in one sem is definitely not a joke...

ohhhh and. I saved $66 today by buying a senior's math book!
not the new edition though.. but is $66! If I were to buy a new one, it's freaking $74! -.-
thanks to serene's OGL!!

2011-08-30T22:29:00.002+08:00

looking at the replies from the class on my lecturer's posts, i think i'm gonna die on Philosophy.
I'm so so so dead. I hate arguements. and how you want me to argue with them? debation is so not meee pleaseee. Gone Case~

ohhh. I was trying to be a nice student today by locking myself in my room and do readings for my ESL and at the end of the day only finding myself reading and writing the wrong units for my quiz(which is like 2 weeks later) all the while -.- GOOD RUI, VERY GOOD!
Nevermind, since I have already done it. At least I have done with my reading which is supposedly for tomorrow's ESL's HW!

Yea for tomorrow's 12hours in school again.
WHY LIKE THAT?!
then Thur full day work.
then Fri another 8.30 - 5 classes.
then Sat work again.
WIN ALREADY.
im so going to die of tiredness and stress.
T.T

2011-08-29T22:28:00.002+08:00

It has been such a long time since I last updated.
The last post I was telling the whole world that i'm IN!
and yea, here I am.. done with my first day of school.
how time flies.

first day of school and we are given a diagnostic test for writing. omggg.
(reminded me of kumon -.-)
Well, I think the lecturer will most probably be laughing at mine.
I'm soooo not well prepared and therefore.. I think I had done badly :/
such an easy topic and yet I can't think of anything to write.
totally worse than a primary school kid I think :(
I just hope she won't announce or comment or laugh at me in front of others.. :'(

then it was Philosophy. Half of the time, I seriously don't get what he was talking about.
I think I'm going to die soon..
soo, what exactly is philosophy? -.-

i'm starting to feel so stress-up.
bleahhh.

2011-06-29T08:26:00.000+08:00

I'm IN!
excited yet worried.
but.. is okay, just got to work hard!

2011-04-10T23:13:00.002+08:00

What have I done to deserve all these? I'm in deep pain. It's like a knife stabbing me straight into my heart. I really don't know what to do. Everything is coming to me one by one. Why? Why I have to face everything at one go? I feel like I'm collapsing anytime soon.

2011-04-06T16:29:00.004+08:00

now.. come to think of it.. even if they accepted me, I have no money. don't know if the bank will loan me how much. so frustrating, isn't it? I need to really think what I can do. think I have given up MDIS. okay. HOW HOW HOW? actually. I was thinking, should I even study? because, tbh.. I don't think I will work. HOW AH. should I save up the money instead, and attend short courses? nice, rui! very nice.. I have wasted so much time in my life. and still thinking what can I do. SAD.

2011-04-04T21:35:00.007+08:00

I'm so so so so so worried.

I think I may just get rejected.

Got a strong strong feeling about it.

Okay, though I have a second choice.

BUT. Come to think of it, I really don't know if I should spend my money there.

If they can postpone the May intake to SEPTEMBER, it can only mean that the intake isn't good.

Where can I go If I get rejected?

I don't like to look for job.

And. I know I can't stay there forever.

Getting all stressed up, worried, EMO again.

I'm so so so so LOUSY.

2011-03-30T23:14:00.002+08:00

Part of me wants to be happy. You know enjoying my life every moment. But, part of me is not listening. It gets all EMO so easily. I have to control my tears everytime. And, it gets kind of annoying/irritating to the people around me. Hate myself sometimes. I don't understand why am I feeling this way. I mean there are a lot of people who are suffering. Comparing my life to theirs, I should be happy enough. I should really appreciate what I have. But, it gets kind of difficult for me to accept every parts of me. Is not easy, you know?

2011-03-30T22:47:00.002+08:00

It has been a year. I know I can't change anything. I know I should be back on track now. I know I should be letting go completely now. But, I can't. I need more time. But, I'm lucky. Lucky to have supportive family and friends around me. I know they love me. I love them all too. I know I'm recovering. In fact, I'm recovering well. At least that's how I feel. Yes, I still cry. I still EMO. But, SO? Till now, I still don't know what's in your mind. Till now, I still don't know the reason for letting go. Till now, I still feel like a FOOL.

2011-03-29T22:56:00.002+08:00

I'm super emo. I'm so worried that I might just get rejected. I spent a total of $385.60 just to get into a school. ok, not even into, TRYING TO GET INTO. this is bad. I know, I know. No point worrying or emoing now. Everyone has been telling me the same thing. But. You just don't understand how and why am I feeling this way. I'm different. Just different. Not that kind of different kind of different. But, YES. DIFFERENT. My Os are super horrible. I don't have a proper DIP. and. most importantly, I didn't even meet the minimum requirement. And yes yes, if this is out, there will sure be something else somewhere waiting for me. but what? You guys have all the schools that you can choose to go. But me? NO. NOTHING. If I can't get into this, I have to go back to my first choice. and. People will start telling me how lousy MDIS is. WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO? LIKE SERIOUSLY. I didn't want to care about what people said, but... okay, fine. I'm waiting for that day.. the day the big yellow envelope will appear in front of me :( I just want to study, is it so hard?

2011-03-21T22:09:00.005+08:00

I feel like sleeping my way through.
I'm so tired of everything.
WO HEN FAN!

Nothing seems to be going the right way.
I hate telling how I really feel to people now.
I tried my best.
Trying very hard to not think about anything.
but, it don't seems to work.
There's really nothing I can do, but to wait.
Waiting for a day.
A day when I can be heard.

I'm different.
I have so much things to worry about,
even going back to school.

Suddenly, the images of people looking down on me are back.
I hate how they compare.
I want to ignore them, but it hurts.
You know?

And, I hate it when I work so hard but people don't see it.
I feel like I'm working for nothing.
I don't feel like working at all.
Work so hard and being categorised under: BACK-UP
GOOD, VERY GOOD.

I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

2011-03-15T00:23:00.004+08:00

Looking at the world now, it's depressing.
so the more we should appreciate what we have now.
Love the people around you, love what you have now.
We should stop complaining about this and that.
Well, you never know when the world is really ending.

Can I don't work and just stay at home and do whatever I want to?
I really need a long break.
I'M SO TIRED! T.T
People are driving me crazy.
I need to store more energy to fight with them.
Like seriously! -.-

okay, friends!
I may not be really okay, but I will be fine.
What I wrote may be super negative.
But, I'm just trying to vent out my emotions by writing.
This is one of the ways I use to make myself feel better.
That's what the doc wanted me to do too :)
so, yea. Don't worry!
and sorry if I make any of you worried :(

2011-03-12T23:44:00.001+08:00

okay, I guess more or less, I will settle with MDIS.
since they can help me appeal to degree straight with my dip.
hmmm. though maybe is not as recognise.
but, is something I like, and more importantly, I CAN STUDY!

2011-03-11T21:07:00.002+08:00

my gastric hasn't been nice to me recently.
maybe is really my fault.
shouldn't have drink so much milk tea.
but well. can't ask me to stop eating something I really love forever right?
lousy tummy.
as lousy as me!

why can't I keep something I love to myself?
why force me to stop this and give up that?
why?

2011-03-09T17:18:00.002+08:00

it's finally over.
I know very well that i'm going to fail it.
I was crying through my bus journey.
thinking: what should I do now?
I think I should give up the idea of re-taking.
because I know no matter how many times I re-take, I will sure die on my speaking.
I just hate talking to people.
and so, my brain is telling me to give up SIM too.
FINE. I SHALL GIVE UP.
and, what is left for me then?

life is indeed never fair.
I want to study, but nobody is giving me a chance.
people who hates to study are forced to study.
well again, is all my fault right?
didn't study hard when i'm studying.
and now, that's the consequences of it.
ok. my life is filled with regrets and more regrets now.
I want to study, is it so difficult?

I should seriously think through what I'm going to do.
I don't want to study for the sake of studying.
I want to study something i'm interested in.
If there is nothing for me, what should I do?
continue working? stop working and help my pa?
okay. or.. maybe I should consider doing duchess full-time -.-

okay, tears is flowing again.
I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING USELESS.
i'm starting to doubt myself.
I think I have no strengths at all.
if I were to ask people: am I a nice person? what do you think is so good about me?
I think nobody can answer~
because I can't answer it myself too.

2011-03-07T00:08:00.002+08:00

to be honest, I'm worried.
super worried for my results.
I kind of think that I will fail it.
I have to get at least a 6.5 overall.
and 6.0 for all subsections.
I THINK I WILL FAIL MY WRITING! HOW AH?
I seriously don't really understand the question.
didn't even have enough words -.-
and, what's worse? I may even write out of topic.
I'M SO DEAD.
and okay, don't ask me what's the question, I TOTALLY FORGOT.
ok actually not. I'm just forcing myself to forget about it.
so, please don't remind me.
Please let me get a 6.o for my writing can?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
I know it's impossible though.
and. If I failed, should I re-take?
I should right? T.T
Okay. I should stop worrying so much.
I should hope for miracle.
and. WEDNESDAY.
Please ask me something I know, If not I'm so going to die again.
at least a 6.0 k! *PRAYHARD*

I had a super bad headache this morning.
and. I vomited.
I feel so so so so not well.
I'm really tired.
physically and emotionally.

2011-03-04T01:57:00.002+08:00

Am I carrying too much responsibilites with me?
I think I am. HOW?
I always take people's problems as my problems.
I cry over everything.
I feel for everything.
but, am I wrong to be like this?
I didn't choose to be like this, it's just me.
but at the end of the day, I realise that all I know is to CRY.
and do nothing.

I'm sorry, really sorry.

2011-03-02T22:42:00.004+08:00

I think something is wrong with me.
I get hungry so easily recently.
I'm eating more than usual.
HOW?!
Don't eat: I don't feel good. Feel like fainting.
Eat: FEEL FAT.
KILL ME PLEASE -.-

I so feel like going out more to explore different places in SINGAPORE.
YES, starting from SINGAPORE.
take photos and post it online and share :)
sounds so so so fun and interesting!
yea. since I don't think I can travel till I don't know when.

ok, seriously. I think I'm getting fatter lehhhh.
BLEAH.

2011-03-02T22:20:00.003+08:00

I got an unknown cut on my thumb. T.T
Didn't realise it till I saw blood on my fingers. BLEAH.
AND YES, didn't feel pain till I saw the cut. -.-
PAIN LAAAA!

There is like so much things in my head.
Exploding!
Work has been a chore to me.
Not that I don't like my job now.
But more of the environment and people.
I can't seem to communicate with those people whom I used to be so closed with.
WHY WHY WHY?
Sometimes, I wonder: is it them, or is it just me, me and myself?
Why am I feeling like I'm living in a world full of LIES?
in a FAKE world.
is it true that we got to act like them in order to survive?
then I rather not work then, CAN I?
I'm so sick and tired of facing them EVERYDAY.
I know I can just ignore them and just do my work.
But you know it can get kind of irritating?
not one time, not two times, BUT EVERYDAY! -.-
now. the only people I can talk to is FTGT.
Without them, I don't think I can motivate myself to work.
Like seriously.
and of course the KIDS!

You left, leaving me all the memories.
Leaving me suffering.
Leaving me crying.
Is that what you meant by: "Is for your own good, and is to be fair to you."?

2011-02-28T11:15:00.002+08:00

I think i'm the weakest student -.-
I went all pale yesterday, and felt like fainting.
teacher asked if i'm okay.
I said: I think I take a rest first.
PAISEI~
and there is only the 6 of us in class yesterday -.-

and. while I was waiting for bus last night,
I went all emo again.
I thought of him suddenly. AGAIN.
This is bad.
Not that I want to get back together, but...
all the memories just keep repeating.
how he wanted to get together.
how he ignored me all of a sudden.
how he wanted to break up.
how we spent our time.
the whole time I have been thinking of all these.
yet, I don't miss him. More of missing the times spent together.
ok, I don't know what am I talking about.
but, yea.

2011-02-26T22:23:00.002+08:00

I was telling people that I might get bashed up on the streets one fine day.
Not because I like to stare at them.
But more of I like to observe and listen to them.
Sounds like I'm a Kaypoh, but i'm not!
I don't know why but I just love it.
and I always think that I have an ability to know what he/she is thinking when he/she said something or do something, somehow. Not always though, not that PRO yet. HEH.
And, I'm sensitive towards a lot of things.
And this is one reason why I love to listen to people.
Listen to friends when they have problems, even though I may not be able to help.
Can listening be a hobby?
If yes, I guess this is my hobby. HEH.

and yes, from the start, I knew we will be parted in the end.
and yet, I still fall into it.
and when you started to drift apart, I know what was going to happen.
and yet, I still act nothing had happened.
I'm a fool. A stupid fool.
But I guess I can't blame anyone.
Because I chose this path myself, willingly.
isn't it?

2011-02-26T21:26:00.004+08:00

I don't mind people putting themselves before others.
I mean I did said before that you should help yourself first before helping others.
Even in the plane, the annoucement asks you to save yourself before attending to your child, right?
But, if you are over-doing it, I don't think it's nice. You are making the people around you suffer.
Don't you think is unfair to us?
Just because you want to save your own bowl of rice/your face/your whatever you want to save, you are doing small actions like: asking us to lie, you yourself lying, shouting at us, accusing us, assuming this and that, controlling our leave when the bigshot didn't say anything and whatever you can think of.
HELLLOOO! Do you think you are being over-panaroid? RELAX PLEASE!
I really don't know what to say, don't know what to do.
I think I will just do my things and don't care about anything.
This is really gettting onto my nerves.
okay.. -RELAX-

BLEAH.

I thought it was funny/irritating:
Deepak formed a gang, and I'm in.
and guess what? I'm Ah-lien.
They are ah Beng, ah Seng and ah... I forgot :/
ok, whatever. This is like so lame -.-
HAHAH!

someone put make-up todayyyy.
and everyone was like...
hmmm.. you know what :/
OK. EVILLLLL~

Adrielf called me Aunty.
and I was like: WHAT AUNTY!?
then he said: okay lor, I call you Jie Jie :D
and someone like not happy again~
she said: what you doing~
he ignored, and said she looked weird.
-evil again-

someone keeps saying that she did informed her to come.
and she knows that she is supposed to come.
but. the problem is: SHE DON'T KNOW.
yah yah yah~ trying to save yourself from scolding again, by pushing all the blame to HER.

someone got seat today, but she refused to sit for I don't know what reason.
is okay if you don't want to sit, but why did you separate me and SOO!
Not happy ah! that we can sit together? GRRR.
no seats you complain why always you roam.
now got seat you don't want to sit.
HELLOOO. Can you just make up your childish-fickle-minded MIND? :D
and still dare to say: morning inside still quite okay right? I went in help you.
YAHHH! HELP ME for like less than 30mins?
You called this help? THANKS ah!
I think I can manage even if you are not inside :)
Since you refused to mark higher level.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm super super super angry today.
I'm suppose to control my temper.
but how! how how how! YOU TELL ME!
especially when you are working with these people.
-vomit blood-

2011-02-23T00:19:00.003+08:00

I survived through my whole 12 hours!
despite the pain!
and I managed to ignore everything that I used to complain.
and is an achievement to me! :)
JUST LISTEN, JUST SEE AND JUST KEEP QUIET~
then nothing will happen.
So what if they are not doing anything, so what if they are slacking?
just let them be!
don't stop working because of them, because if you do, then what's the difference between you and them?
NO DIFFERENCE!

I must get my priorities right.
Family, Friends are my priorities now.
ok, and of course work.
I must stay strong no matter how sad I am.
I cannot let anything else to put me down.
I can cry and emo all I want, but I must learn to stand up after that.
I must be resilient.

AND I CAN PROUDLY TELL YOU GUYS THAT I'M NOT OKAY.
just feel like emo-ing.
Though I may seem like I am.
I'm not. I'm not. I'm not OKAY.
Not that I'm proud that I'm not okay, but yea. you know.
I think my friends don't like to see me crying in front of them everyday right? :/
I feel bad too.
I think I always cry in front of my friends :/
If you are my friends, you will have seen me cry already.
like an average of 3-4 times? :/
this is TERRIBLY HORRIBLE -.-
something is wrong with me, i guess.
For the 23 years, I have been crying for like almost 1/2 of my life away~
or maybe more than that~
PRO RIGHT? -.-
okay, LOUSY I KNOW.

I guess this is how I am diagnosed with...
YOU KNOW WHAT.
this is bad. terribly bad :(

Actually I guess I still miss you. Just that I didn't want to admit it. because there won't be any use, isn't it? You didn't even care to wish me on my birthday. How hard can that be to just send a sms? Well, I guess you will never ever know how much you have hurt me. People hopes that you will have your karma, but I hope you won't. Because if can, I don't want anyone to be hurt, don't want anyone to go through what I had gone through. Though I don't know what had I done to deserve all these. I guess it will never be easy to forget everything about you, and to put you down completely, it never will. People told me that we might get back together, but I guess we never will. I always think that we are in a love-hate love story. I think nobody will understand, not even you. I guess this love-hate story can only be kept in one part of my heart now. It won't be easy, it can cause pain but I know I have to, if not I won't be moving on like you are now. Why am I suffering alone still, after 6 months, and you are out in somewhere enjoying life? Why I can't enjoy life like you are now? WHY WHY WHY? Everyday, Im hoping that you will SMS me like one fine day, or at least talk to me on MSN, but you didn't. And I can only think that Im silly. Silly to think that you will when I know you won't. Seeing you in my dreams will only make me miss you more, and ended up crying. Sometimes, I will rather not seeing you anymore. And I know very very well that: I CAN MISS YOU ALL I WANT, BUT DO YOU EVEN CARE? OR DO YOU EVEN KNOW? And we may not even meet ever again, right?

2011-02-21T18:55:00.003+08:00

she said: I must stop being treated like a floor mat.
NO MORE stepping on me. NO MORE bullying me.
but, not easy right? I guess. It's just me -.-
I only know how to show black face and ended up helping others though i'm not very happy. BLEAH.

Being hardworking and helpful is nice, yet people loves to take advantages of these kind of people.
NOT GOOD. So we must know when to help and when not to. Help only if you think the person really needs it.
Not trying to be selfish. But, not good to let people step on you either, RIGHT?
If you want to reject people: "I'm sorry, but I have a lot of things to do too, I can't help you now."
So what if he/she shows you a BLACK FACE or talks behind your back after you say this to him/her? This can only mean that he/she is not worth to be a friend. And, if your colleagues are sitting one side not doing anything/talking/sms-ing/slacking, ignore them! Because if you complain about them, you are only showing that you are envy of them, and you are not worth to be called as a HARDWORKING person anymore.

When you are alone, and you feel very very very sad, and you feel like crying, take a DEEP BREATH and think of something pleasant instead. Don't let the negative thoughts to haunt you. Thnk of anything that can make you feel better. E.G. Eating with your friends, laughing with your friends, buying your favourite dresses. If not, you can think of you strengths too. Tell yourself: you are not lousy. You have so many strengths that people may not have. Keep doing this, and soon your mind will be full of positive thoughts instead of negative ones.

I must be myself. I am who I am. I don't want to be anyone else. I must be assertive at times. I must stay strong. I must keep repeating/reminding myself all these theories. Okay, as if there is any use -.- but yea, I still have to!

YEA. NO MORE TRAVELLING.

2011-02-20T21:59:00.003+08:00

attended dance today.
but i didn't dance :/
my ankle is acting up, and don't dare to add force to it.
8 new students today!
more and more and more~
good good good.
teacher won't focus too much on me :/

appointment tomorrow again.
SO FAST! -.-
super reluctant to go.
Can i just MIA from her? :/
i feel like.
but, i think i can't right?
later they thought what happend to me..
then worse.. -.-

my mind and heart, they are not working hand in hand.
they are fighting.
real hard.
i'm so tired! i mean.. i don't really know what i want.
I don't even know what my mind is thinking.
is just super super irritating.
very very very FRUSTRATING.
T.T

When you were young, you were hoping so much that you would grow up faster. And now that you have grown up, you were hoping so much that you can turn back the time. Life is so interesting, isn't it? Everything that you had never wanted/never expected it to happen, happened on you. And everything you wish it would happen, don't happen on you -.- I guess that's life, you can't always get everything you want. I always choose to believe that life is fair/GOD is fair. When something is taken away from you, something better will be out in somewhere waiting for you.

AND YES. It's totally so not me. I'm an EMO QUEEN! Actually, I don't know why either. I can come up with lots of inspiring theories, but I can't apply it to myself. -.- but nevermind, I guess I will understand it ONE FINE DAY, right? ~

I WANT TO. I WANT TO. I WANT TO.
I WANT TO GET OUT OF SINGAPORE.

SO BADLY.
D:

2011-02-19T23:18:00.006+08:00

been crying like everyday?
i seriously don't know what's wrong with me.
you know that kind of feeling....
where you feel super down suddenly, and you just feel like crying.
even though you are not thinking of anything.
andddd. when you start crying, things start to go hay-wired~
all the bad memories will come and add on to your sadness.
Terrible.
bleahhhh. LOUSY.
im the EMO-QUEEN~

i think i should learn how not to put in high hope on anything.
just let it be.
no hope, no disappointment.
i'm tired of putting in all my efforts in something, and ended up with nothing.
meet-ups, relationship, friendship, even small little things.
i totally give up.
no more from me.

i guess this is how i ended with no confidence with anything i do now.
how am i suppose to have confidence when i seem to fail in anything i had done?
at times, i feel like a TOTAL FAILURE.
i don't have good results, and so i have to say byebye to local U.
i don't have a perfect kind heart. i don't have the kind of WOW-LOOK.
im super bad-temper. easily get irritated.
super LAZY. other than listening, i don't know how to talk/console people (maybe except for kids)
Failed my O' level Eng, lousy O level results. quit POLY.
ended up in MDIS (im proud with my results though). i always complain this and that, EVERYTHING.
and. many many more.
till i don't know how nice i am..
am i even nice in the first place?

my stupid tummy is acting up again :(
must be the milk tea, milo oreo, ice-cream, chocolates..
TERRIBLE.
double sadness. Triple sadness.
just LOUSYYYY. -.-

T.T

I SERIOUSLY NEED A BREAK.
I SERIOUSLY WANT TO GET OUT OF SINGAPORE.
I SERIOUSLY GOING TO BREAK DOWN SOON.
I SERIOUSLY GOING TO BE SO SO SO SO DEAD.

2011-02-14T15:59:00.004+08:00

ok, what should I do?
my brain and heart is really not working together.
ahhh.
actually, i don't know what my brain and heart wants.

you see..
i miss those days, i miss everything with him.
i miss...
bus-ing with him.
walking with him.
him waiting for me to end work.
him walking me home.
him walking me to work.
movies with him.
Mr. Bean/Bubble tea with him.
talking craps with him.
laughing with him.
stalking people with him.
everything, everything with him.

yet, i hate how he treated me.
suddenly, "FINE, BYE!" keeps appearing in my head -.-
how he treated me coldly.
how he pulled me, pushed me, pulled me and pushed me awayyy again and again.
how he forgot his promises.
how he kept avoiding me.
how he said he still want to be friends, yet we are not talking ever since..
how he never wish me at all on my bday.

seeee. i don't know what am i thinking toooo.
i hate him, yet i don't.
terrible.
you know what i mean?
but, it doesn't matter now, anyway.
because it won't change anything.
i know, and i understand.

maybe, i don't love him as much now. more of hatred.
but, noooo, not so serious. i don't hate him. more of hating how he treated me.
BLEAH. ok, i don't know what am i talking about tooo~
and, without him, i won't get to know that there are still so many many many friends who love me.
yess. so i shouldn't HATE him afterall right?
ahh. okkk. seeee. I MISSSSS HIM AGAIN -.-

2011-02-08T22:45:00.002+08:00

I had a really hard time these few days -.-
but nvm, i will be fine.. *I HOPE SO.

I finally apply for that English test!
I'm proud of myself somehowwww.
went to British Council alone to apply.
but i'm super stress nowww.
HOWWWW :(
it will be okay.
it will be fine.
i will pass the test!
i can get into school!
*PRAYHARD*

2011-02-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

i'm sad.
i'm sad.
i'm sad.
i'm very very very sad!
HOWWWWW?

:(

2011-01-30T00:06:00.002+08:00

to be honest, i'm not very well recently.
don't ask me why, because i don't know too.
and, i hate the feelings.

so many things are happening.
and. i don't know how to face it and all.
i can only tell myself to ignore, and live happily.
there's a lot of things going on in workplace too.
and i don't know how tooo.
can i just ignore tooo?
i don't careee :(

thankyou everyone for the wishes, gifts and celebration!
I LOVE ALL OF YOU! <3

and, i broke down again.

2011-01-25T00:17:00.003+08:00

<3<3<3<3<3

haven't been feeling really good recently.

i must learn how to take a deep breath,

and start thinking about those happy moments with friends and family.

to distract myself, when i feel like crying or when i'm stress.

2011-01-24T23:53:00.006+08:00

spent my weekend in the chalet.

thankyou bro for organising!

thankyou everyone for coming!

LOVESSS~

2011-01-19T22:35:00.003+08:00

I'm glad i have friends who constantly bring me back to reality when i'm not.
they never fail to cheer me up when im down.
and i love them!
thankyou!
without you girls and my family, i dont think i can stand up so fast!
<3

ohhh. and i think i loveeee the dance lesson!
HEHHH

If onlyyyyyy....

2011-01-12T22:46:00.002+08:00

and, i think its all lies, and more lies.
you have time, isn't it?
you just need the attention of more people,
that's why you chose to give me up.
why did i fall into it?
i'm a fool, biggest fool.

2011-01-10T00:34:00.002+08:00

passed by woodlands and thought of you.
and i realised, i still miss you a lot.
but, i know you don't.
and, i feel down suddenly.

2011-01-08T00:05:00.002+08:00

i went to see that chinese physician againnnn.
acupunture (ok, i think i spelt wrongly.. or maybe not? but who caresssss)
that uncle super nice :/
i paid the same amount as the first time i went..
which is ohmytian!
i was like.. huh, bu yong la.. so paiseiiii.
he said nvm, is ok.. -.-
THANKYOU UNCLEEE! :D
anyway.. my ankle. i don't know how to make it recover FAST!
he said in order to recover well, i cannot keep walking around..
which is impossible for me RIGHTTTT? D:

i was telling karen.
maybe i should thank HIM, and i really should. (but i wont la..)
i think im much much much more happy than i used to be..
and im glad i went to a doctor, and im recovering from the sick which has haunt me for so longggg.

THANKYOU!

and, i think i don't hate you at all.
i miss the days with you instead.

2011-01-07T13:50:00.002+08:00

and, did i update that me and teng had signed up for DANCE already!
unbelievable :/
shall just enjoy myself and not stress :S

but. my ankle not okay yet! HOW!
like so long already!
lousy to the maxxxx D:

I have a lot a lot of things to do/settle.
but, im just lazy.. and i dont really have the time and mood to just sit down and finish up everything.. im so deadddd.

2011-01-07T00:17:00.003+08:00

ok. i will sign up for the august intake.
don't fan too much already :/
but, first.. i have to get the forms printed.
i have to sign up the test..
ok.. talking about the test. im super super super scare laaa D:

recently, a lot of things just happend in work..
i dont know what's happening!
why are they like outcasting us?
ok.. me especially.
ok. i shouldnt care so much about them..

i had a great time with the girls after work!
our usual supper talk! with a new member! Soo :D
we just rant and rant.. and was also making sure the cat dont come near us.. :/
and we were planning for our gathering..
and. so. we came out with this idea of giving ourselves a group name..
which is FTGT (because, in between CAT was asking what's FT,GT..).. HAHAH! we dont know what's that... we named it ourselves though.
Five Terrific Girls Together :D
(ok, it was Five Terrible Girls Tonight at first... :/ HAHAH)
<3

and i realised, i still place you in a part of my heart.

2010-12-29T20:36:00.002+08:00

ok, i downloaded the application form for school tooo!
i think i'm really going for the AUGUST INTAKE :/
i don't know, i don't know!

oh, and ya!
the other day.
me and teng was like talking about life.
emoing over certain things in life.
then we were thinking of going some courses together.
like in CC.
then. i told her about me still considering whether to learn dance or notttt.
she was like.. ahh. dance in CC like not for us leh.. line dance all those.
HAHAHAH!
i told her not in CC! HAHAH!
then, i was scared to join alone la.. so don't know to join or not.. SHY! HAHAHAH!
she was like. i don't mind! lets join together and scare together! HEH.
straight after that.. i was like looking at their photos.
and i saw VERON! OMGGG!
so super qiao cannnn?
so i told teng about it!
and. so.. we have decided to join the trial class together! :)
if time allows! going to find out moreeee.

2010-12-29T19:05:00.003+08:00

first, my ankle not well yet! :O
but.. should be ok, not very bad :/

i have so much things to do..
but i dont know what and when to start..
oh. at least i went to check out the test.
IS $300 PER TEST!
ohmytian! moneyyyy!
i think i have to go to the august intake laaa..
looking at the time..

2010-12-24T22:28:00.003+08:00

i don't know why, i'm ok..
yet, i'm acting like i'm not ok.
i can't control my emotions at all.
this is bad, real bad.

but, i promise.
is not because of him or anyone nowww,
or at least, not at this moment.
is just because of me, me and myself.
i hate myself.
for being so weak.

i love my friends and family.
i know i'm not a perfect person.
i don't know how to express myself.
i know myself .. eh. not say very well, but at least well enough.
i know i'm whiny, loud, irritating at times, straight-forward, grumpy face at times, black face most of the time, lazy, self-centred at times, not very kind at times, get angry easily, petty, MIA most of the time and alll.
but, they are still around me when i needed them.
hmm.. even when i don't need themmm.
i read every single of encouragement you girls sent and said to me k!
though i didn't reply, but thankyou!
thanks for loving me for who i am.
i appreciate all of you! <3

and to you, thanks for making who i am now.
because of you, i have to stand up stronger..
in order not to let those people out there to push me down.
till now, i still don't understand why.
why did you left me all aloneeee to clean up all these mess..

2010-12-22T15:25:00.002+08:00

i had fun on the Monday and Tuesday!

Monday was k-ing with soo, jiamin, chulien, meiyee and chewpeng.
and. GIFT EXCHANGE!
i'm glad i chose the right gift for SOO!
so cute right! :D
and. i like CP's gifts for me toooo!
eeyhor! and ear pieceee! :)))
i hope everyone enjoyed!
because i did! :D

Tuesday was work.
then han's birthday surprise and GIFT EXCHANGE!
it was so funny sitting at-out-of-nowhere-of-marina-barrage.
HAHAH!
everybody was looking at us :/
but FUN!
loves the presents toooo!
thanks for all the EFFORTS! :D

ok.. and today..
i sprained my ANKLE D:
at JURONG POINT ok!?
is so PAISEI can?
i was at the escalators. and don't know why my mind was in a BLANK.
and i missed a step.
is like i thought i have reached the tip of the escalators, but i haven't :/
and. i nearly fall down. but i hold on.. and ta-dah. i sprained my ankle as a result.
my face was super cartoon, i tell you.
damn unglam and paisei.
but. don't care. don't think anyone will remember me.. :/
and. now. is super super duper duper PAIN.
i have difficuly walking. and down the stairs especially.
damn depressed D:

when i was at barrage, i thought of him again.
thought of those time.
heartache.

2010-12-17T19:24:00.002+08:00

somehow, i really can't seem to let go.
the feeling of getting back together is still so strong.
i don't know why, but yea.
and, i'm always quite accurate when coming to feeling.
but, maybe not this time. maybe is just my hallucination :/

seen Natallie! i think she is pregnant :/
don't dare to ask and congrat her though.
she asked me to do all these...
"what should be a guy be for me?" ._.
how am i suppose to write itttt?
and i need to continue to write the letterssss.
and. ohya. i need to tell myself that:
i'm not stupid... (WHY?)
i'm not unlovable... (WHY?)
i'm not unlikable... (WHY?)
i'm not lousy for him... (WHY?)
is not my fault... (WHY?)
i have to find 'evidences' to all these... ohmannnn. ._.

i'm loving them each day!
they are the reasons for me to go work everyday.
they are the ones who make my day everyday.
I LOVE THE KIDS AND FRIENDS :DDD

and, now. i'm looking forward to PART 2 and 3!
though i need to wear dress on PART 3.. so evil! :/
HAHAH!
and. ok. im definitely not looking forward to PART 1!!!!
it better ends fast! and oh. it better be fun! at least more than what i expected!

DENISE bought me SNSD's poster from KOREAAAA :D
i'm so so so so so touched!
Tinghui know that i will be hungry.. ok. because i always complain that i'm hungry..
she bought chocolate for meeeeee :)
i'm so so so so so touched!
and. my clique in work! they never fail to make me laugh! :D
all so nice, fun!!! LOVE THEM TOOO! :)

2010-12-13T14:50:00.002+08:00

i was feeling so not good tilllll....
i cried in the bus and to sleep last night..
terrible!

ok, i stupidly msged him AGAIN.
and, of course regretted AGAIN.
just fan jian AGAIN.
hopeless.
i think i really really need to put down all my hopes.
no more dreaming.
because is impossible.
ruiruirui! WAKE UP!

i'm ok. and i'm not. and i'm ok. and i'm not again.
whywhywhy?
i hate this kind of suddenly-haunt-you-kind-of-LOW- feeling :(
like you suddenly feel like crying. even in the crowds.
and you start feeling helpless.
don't know howwww.
and start all the scratching.
killmeplease.

2010-12-10T21:37:00.002+08:00

emotionally. TIRED.
brain telling me this, heart telling me that.
yet again.

somehow, i know i'm running away.
away from the reality.
covering the truths with lies.
just to make me feel better.
it doesn't really help though.
at least it helps me to think in a positive side.
but. yea. at the end of the day. i'm still the emo rui.
control myself the number of times. looking at his wall.
everytime looking at it, i will start thinking about this and that.
what does he meant by that?
is it for me to see?
is he referring to some other things, girls, etc.
this is just me.
thesensitiveruifang.
always think a lot.
always put people's words/actions to mind.
always so emotional, naive, stupiddd.

18th 18th 18th.
dreading for 18th!
i so don't want to go!
i don't want to play games!
i'm only looking forward to the bunch of friends there!

6 more days to the due date of my assignment!
howhowhow?
haven't even write a single thing.
not even a word!
sosososo dead!

2010-12-08T13:34:00.002+08:00

i'm so troubled.
i really don't know how.
i feel like just leaving this world again.
i feel terrible YOU KNOW?
who understands?
who who who?

i have to act im fine everyday,.
but yet deep inside, im super not ok.

i know there's something i need and want to do..
but.. i really don't know if i should still.

every night. i have to try so hard to fall asleep.
and every morning, without fail i will wake up at 5am.
what's with the problem? :(
and everyday before i sleep and after i wake up, there's only one thing in my head.
HIM.
and most of the time when im up, i will keep thinking about: how will it be if we are still together? will we ever talk again? what exactly had happened? everything that happend between us. am i sensing the right thing? does he even like think about me on and off, like a bit?
ok. i may think too much. but. i really cant control myself.
i thought im okay. but recently, its back again.
WHY WHY WHY???
HOW HOW HOW???

2010-12-06T22:20:00.002+08:00

ok. i can't help it..
buttttttt.
i think i miss him AGAIN D:
how?

stupid stupid stupid.
it has been 3 months..
i still can't seem to let go.
i may feel better, but...
he still stands quite a bit in my heart and mind.
i just can't get rid of his images..
oh man.

i'm so so so so so DEAD! D:

2010-12-06T21:58:00.002+08:00

ok, i actually remember the wrong date for my appointment :/
i think something is just wrong with meeee.
i thought it was tmr.. and i forgot about the time..
and i feel so weird, because they didnt sms me to remind me.
so i called to confirm when is my appt.
and they told me is next tue.. then the time.
yaaa. she told me the time too. and yet. i forgot about the time again.
seriously, what's wrong with me?

i feel so uneasy.
i can't describe the feeling.
is just so weird.
why am i feeling this way?
something is bothering me. a lot.
but. i can't really know what is it..
and it feels terrible.
is it him again?
oh man.

today. i walked pass that shelter road again.
and. i thought of that day.
is just weird.
is like just yesterday.
but yet is months ago.
and. everything just flashed back.

the feeling is getting stronger.
i feel like, and i really feel like.
howwwww?

2010-12-05T00:21:00.002+08:00

letter letter letter!!
how to write?
what to write?
omg!
i'm only left with like 11 more days to think!
goshhhhhh D:

howhowhow.
i feel so restless.
i feel so fannnnnnnn!

is just not easy to put down everything in my mind.
heavyheavyheavy!

2010-12-04T23:56:00.002+08:00

and. i cried on thursday night.
right after my post i think.
i felt so much better after breaking down.
have been running away from things recently.
i guess.

should i?
i know i shouldn't.
i think he is super stresssss now.
but what to do?
i feel like just asking him to jiayou.
but.. ya. the consequences must be beared by me again.. -.-
and i dont have the courage also..

today. she sounded so weird.
i just feel that she knew something that i don't know.
like the feeling is so... just weird. different as what she will normally tell me..
or am i thinking too much? D:
ok. maybe i think too muchhh.
because i dont think it will ever happen.. just BU KE NENG! :(
though i wish that what i sensed is true...

if only, if only...

2010-12-02T23:33:00.002+08:00

i feel terrible today.
like the symptoms are back.
i feel like grabbing things.
i feel so restless.
my heart feel super terrible.
is just soooooooo TERRIBLE :(

am i hopeless?

i miss him.
i miss him.
i miss him.

i know in school, esp. uni...
girls are like desperateeee :/
ok not all.
but mostly..
but to that extend?
i really dont know what to say..
are they like together? like officially?
why she always use his phone!!!?!?!?!??!?!
is so obvious that the statuesssssss are not from him.
and is that PPPPPPPPP!
hais. but ok. there's nothing i can do.
i have a feeling we will talk someday.
but now? i dont know. i think we wont?
and that's why im sad again?
you all will never understand.
i know is a short period.
but so? is also a relationship right?
and what we went through, you wont know.
and is the matter of short or long.
is the matter of whether did i put in real feelings into this relationship.
and did i really love him that much..
what am i suppose to do?
i dont knowwwwww.
i keep finding things to do and occupy myself with everything.
but at the end of the day, im back to square one again..
i guess im really hopelessssssss.

today..
poor justina knocked the door.
and her whole toe nail came out :((
i feel so sad for herrr!
stupid kumon doorrrrr!
she screamed and cried.. so poor thing!
i followed her and her mum to the clinic..
and when she feels pain, i let her grab my hand.
and is really super tight those kind of grab... and you can imagine that pain is how pain!!
in the clinic, doc thought im her sister.. :/
her mum said im her teacher..
then he was like.. ohh. teacher.. i thought you sister..
ok.. he must be thinking why i so weirdddddd. :/
but i nice mahh
where got teacher so nice one lorr
let her grabbed my hand.. talked to her.. and to the extend that i have to stay with her throughout..
because she really grabbed my hand till the doc took out her nail..
and she said thanks to meeeeeee.
omg!
i nearly cried outtt.
is so touching!
is like i feel so 'proud' of myself..
like i did something good! :)
and at least they appreciated! :D

i love so childrennnnnnnn :D
they never fail to make my day and at the same time make me angry though.. -.-

2010-11-29T23:06:00.002+08:00

im like totally lost..
i dont know what i want.
i dont know what should i do.
this or that?
ohman..
my life is so unclear.
dont exactly know what i want in my life.
i dont want to waste anymore time.
but in life, you wont know if you dont try.
right?
so how am i suppose to know if that suits me, if i dont try?
but.. i will be ended up wasting my time again if it dont..
ohmytian! is like a routineeeeee :[
to be honest. i feel so useless now.
there was once, a friend asked: where should i study? i failed my english.
i suggested mdis.
and her reply: i don't want. i mind a lot of how people look at me.. mdis sounds....
hmm. i feel hurt of course.
but. is schooling really that important?
is cert really that important?
perhaps yes to a certain extend.
but. whats matter in the end is you can do your work or not right?
does theory really helps you in ur work that much?
hais. im so tired.
what should i do?
should i go for my dip in psy first?
then my dip in tourism HOWWWWWW?
treat it as a failed experiment ahhh? :/

2010-11-28T20:43:00.003+08:00

everything changes.
environment, friendship, relationship...
i change, he changes tooooo.
and is so fast that you cant even stop it.
you can only choose to accept it.
well, i think "come on, this is life..." will pop up in your head.
yahhh, this is life indeed.. and is a hate and love thing.

and now, i have something to confesssss.
i keep telling people that i have no feelings for him in the start.
now come to think of it.
actually.. i think i did :(
and maybe this is why im so hurt now?

and. i still feel so so so uncertain.
are you still who you are?
are you doing all these to gain your popularity?
is it really that important to be popular?
ok, maybe yes to a certain extend if you need their help..
but... i dont know :(
but is it still that important now?
no. who am i to care about your life now?
im just a nobody to you now, perhaps.

im trying, trying very hard to improve myself everyday.
to improve my emotions.
i may look like im ok, but deep in my heart, am i really ok?
i dont know.
i feel that i haven't been acting myself recently.
and is scary. you know?
am i trying to run away again?
or am i just trying to act ok in front of friends?
im feeling terrible.

i know i shouldnt be looking at his wall.
but, is a routine now.
and i cant quit it. you know?
everytime in work, i have been controlling myself by not carrying my phone with me.
and. the moment i hold my phone, i will go to his wall again.
and getting myself hurt.
because. i never fail to feel pain in my heart after reading his wall.
fan jian or what? :(
should i do what she asked me to?
but im scare, i dont dare to face it.
will he delete me, contact me, or nothing?
well.. i know he will do nothing.
this is just him.

i hate him for making me who i am now!
but yet, i miss him. still.
they said hating someone because you still have feelings for the person. thats why the feeling...
i dont know. im soooooo lost.
i just feel so down these few days again.
i dont know why.
and the dreams.
keep haunting me... :(
trying to tell me something?
but i dont think so..
because the dreams are totally different as it is now.

what am i going to do?
hmm.

2010-11-11T22:59:00.002+08:00

why is it that the more i know i shouldnt be doing it, the more i feel like doing it?
i know im going to get hurt, but yet i keep falling deeper.
i think im so dead. GONE CASE.
they must be together now. or. at least soonnnn.
how interesting!
i think im a nobody now!!!!!
so feel like killing myself :(

crying doesnt make me feel better now. how?
what makes me touched is all the people in work.
they really care for meeeeee. they take care of me, make me laugh and everything.
THANKYOU!

WHERE ARE YOU? the one who i first knew :(

2010-10-19T20:53:00.002+08:00

what will happen when i go back to work?
"RUIFANGGGG! so long never see you!"
"what happened?"
sorry, i wont tell you guys anything.
just know that im not feeling well..
i have got MC ok!
and hope boss wont ask me anything either.
since she knows what happened to me already.
dont ask me for reason!
i wont tell you too..
the most i can tell you is STRESS-RELATED.
so please lighten my workload!!!!!!

i hate myself totally.
i just cant seem to control my thoughts and emotions :(
i can be laughing and talking with you now, and suddenly feel super down or crying later.
why am i so lousy?
why am i........
still missing that idiot?
when he dont even care about me at all already?
im making an effort to try to be friends..
but everything shows that you dont care if im alive or dead now..
RUIFANG PLEASE STOP ITTT!!

2010-10-18T21:40:00.002+08:00

feeling restless
change of appetite
unable to concentrate
difficulty in making decisions
hopelessness
unable to sit still
sleeping disorders
sadness
feeling tired
hurting self
loss of weight
moodless
........

as days go by, i realise i don't know you anymore.
you changed. totally into another person.
are you always like that?
since the day i met you..
am i blind?
or.. are you acting in front of me, just to make me trust you?
i don't know. i feel terrible.
my heart is telling me that you are not that evil..
but my brain is telling me that you are...
and it hurts me..
i feel so cheated if you are..
i feel so stupid, feel like an idiot now.
why am i suffering alone?
and you are enjoying yourself?
"ohh okay well i do hope that you will get better soon"
but, do you know that you are the cause for it?
i think you will never know..
or even if you know, you wont even care or admit it.
not even one sorry.
i dont know why, but im super sad.
i hate myself. i regretted. why did it even started?

the difference between enjoying and suffering.

2010-10-15T23:24:00.002+08:00

everything seems to be going agasinst me nowwww.
i'm tired, really tired.
did i done anything wrong to go through all these?
i really don't understand.
i know everything happens for a reason, but i don't know the reason.
i only know im suffering, the people around me are suffering too.
at times, i really feel like just leaving.
but i have no courage. not at all.
then i will start to pinch, scratch and hit myself.
looking at all the scratch marks, blueblack..
i really don't know what had happened to me..
i think im getting more and more horrible.
im in great pain. my heart.
you know?
i realise maybe i have been a fool all these while.
a stupid,silly girl who has always been bullied and played by people.
since young.
i really don't know why, am i not good enough?
am i not a good friend?
and, now. i actually got 'fool' again by the same person for two times.
im down here suffering, and the person is down there enjoying life.
i know the more i shouldnt feel sad.
but i am.
i hate this person, but. yet.
i miss the stupid person. a lot.
am i lousy or what?
i can't believe im actually going through all these.
from the start, i havent been trusting anyone.
but yet, this person appeared. and i actually jump into the hole stupidly.
maybe. is fate. playing with me.
i know i must stand up soon.
but.. why is it so difficult?
im like dying soon.
you know the kind of feeling?
from the start, it has been all wrong.
im all to blame.

2010-10-08T21:27:00.001+08:00

finish writing!
but..
should i? :(

2010-10-07T21:07:00.001+08:00

a lot of things happened!
i cant even absorb it..
but i love my friends!
thankyouuuuuu! <3

2010-06-23T11:39:00.001+08:00

im having breathing difficulties again :(
i really wonder why..
something must hv trigger to it, but i just dnt knw what!
dusts? fur? or... i dnt knwwwww!

2010-06-14T00:09:00.003+08:00

if only.

2010-05-23T21:25:00.001+08:00

still sick!
still sick!
:(

2010-05-21T21:14:00.001+08:00

im so not well.
fall sick! :(
hope i will be okay by tmr.
i still hv to work.

2010-05-11T22:37:00.002+08:00

YEA! is out!
quite okay with my results.. (:
not all distinctions though.. =(
nvm.. at least i still get a B!
tht time that teacher showed us other class's results.
hmmm. like a lot of failures.. and.. those who passed. mostly get C..
so.. i shd be happy enough~
though i still think that the teacher is too strict!!!!!

2010-05-03T23:53:00.003+08:00

resultssssss! faster come out please!
im super worry!
and. i really hope i dnt fail any paper!
*PRAYHARD*

if its really one month after the last paper, then is suppose to be out this saturday!
if its two month.. then super sian, i still hv to wait till next month 8th! :(

2010-04-26T22:35:00.005+08:00

is fun talking about stuffs that irritate you a lot during work!
i kind of addicted to keep talking after work.
hahaha!
i can talk for hours..
though we keep talking abt the same stuffs everytime.
i dnt knw why!
talk and talk. and laugh and laugh over the same thing again and again..
HAHA!

ehh..
weishan said she want to marry me!
HAHAHAHA!
she wants to bring me to Iceland!
and.. gives me Lava...
LOLLLLL!
so cute right?
"bye Lao Po!"
HAHAAHAHA!
-_-

2010-04-15T12:25:00.003+08:00

no more school!
i miss schooling time actually.
not tht i miss the school.
nothing for me to miss anyway.
not tht i miss everyone.
i do miss some lecturers.

i think i will score badly this time round.
no more distinctions! sad!
but. what to do. is all over!
i hope i pass my paper. and im content enough!
*pray hard*
i wont scold badly!

S.H.E this saturday!!
finally! =DD

2010-03-17T00:36:00.003+08:00

finally!!
no more powerpoint, no more microsoft word, no more google!! ((:
i hv dnt knw how many sleepless nights already.
all because of that PROPOSAL!
knw nuts about it..
was practically writing rubbish..
hope i can at least get a pass! please!
at least give me sympathy markssssss.. (:

exams coming!
im so stress!
yet, i dnt knw what to study...
this feeling just so lousy!
i only hope i can pass all!
and. pls dnt let me remodule!
I DONT WANT TO!!

2010-03-07T21:54:00.003+08:00

how to write PROPOSAL?
ARGHHHHHHH!
im so so so dead!
dateline is this coming thur. and.
im still thinking how to do a proposal..
but. i really dnt knw how to do!
i think im going to say byebye to my 20% already.
just hope i anyhow do, at least can get a pass!

im so going to blog abt something! hahaha!
yesterday, there was PO..
and.. we finished everything quite early..
everyone left at abt 4plus...
SL was waiting for boss..
so i waited with her.. since i hv nth on..
we were talking when suddenly this small girl (K2) came to us~
and.. talked to us..
she kept touching and hugging me and SL.. -_-
at the end..
LS asked us to wait for her ouside..
so. we went out.. and this small girl came..
and.. said to me: "you must come tmr okay!"
so i laughed~ [because tmr is SUNDAY!]
then... we said bye to each other~
and.. tht girl gave me a big hug... and kissed my hand.. -_-
i was so shocked can? me and SL kept laughing~
then.. her mother came out after she was done with the registration..
the girl held my hand.. and wanted to pull me along with them.. LOLL!
her mother stopped her.. and. asked her to say bye to me..
but she refused.. and from her face.. i can see tht she almost cried..
scared me lor!!
so.. her mother pulled her away.. =x
okay.. she is just so cute! hahaha...
(:

2010-02-27T21:14:00.002+08:00

work today was super 'high' at the end..
most of us were practically laughing super loudly.
moving tables~ commenting~ laughing at each other~
because.. boss changed our table structure again..
anw... now.. the sitting is like divided into...
Pre-schooler (as usual), up to C, up to F and G-up~
those newer teachers will be sitting at the Up to C area..
then the rest up to F area..
and. those who can mark higher level will be in the G-up room..
and.. YAH.. of course boss will point at me for maths.. and Gayathri for english..
she said especially SATURDAY~ -_-
but... of cos we knw tue and thur night, we will also be inside~ since there will also be those higher level students... so.. practically, we will be inside everyday!~
i think im going to die inside with weishan and all disturbing me..~
hmmm.. think there wont be any roamers...
all of us will be sitting down~
she said we are just trying out..
if cannot, we will still be moving back to the old structure~

2010-02-26T23:33:00.005+08:00

yesterday, went to work after school as usual...
stepped in, and hui ping came to me and....
"TEACHER RUIFANG!!" happily.
hahahaha.
i was like... "shhhhh!"
cos. boss was beside.. -_-
then.. someone dnt knw jealous or what..
said hui ping er xin...
im quite happy actually.
to knw that someone is happy to see me.. (:
and. a few who treat me and talk to me like im their friend..
hahaha.. but, i super scare tht boss will 'talk' to me...
but who cares~

ohyah!!
suddenly rmb something...
tht day, i was sitting at the front, and Devika came and sat in front of me..
she was so happy.. so someone asked her why she so happy..
so being lame, i was like: because you see me right?? *SMILE*
someone was like: eeyerr.
then.. Devika said something tht make me super happy!!!
she said: yah! i like her...
*WAHAHAHAHA*
so.. being lame again.. i was like: see?? to that someone..
then.. her face a bit....
hahahaha!!!
okay. im so bad..
but. a fact is a fact~
heeee..

2010-02-23T23:17:00.003+08:00

i really want to laugh out loud! hahaha.
i really cannot stand this two people.
i just cant stop laughing when i see him...
because.. TH was sitting beside him!!!!! LOLLLLLLL...
so today.... he kept looking at me.. and was like laughing too....
so.. not my fault okay!! haha.
then, in between.. i was looking at them.. and i turned my head.. i saw someone (WS) looking at me...
she started laughing too..
so.. i was thinking.. maybe we were laughing at the same thing.. *im right!*
so we eye contact each other...
HAHAHAHAHA!
TH an lian S!! :P
is super funny okay.. when you look at how S looked at me with his..... wu nai de face.. eh... last week! LOLL!!
so.. today..... i decided to ask him....
"you knw what we laughing at or not?"
"yah lar..."
*started laughing* again...
hahaha.. super funny...
WS told me tht TH really an lian S lor!
kids nowsaday... aiyooo..
one pri 5.. the other sec 1..
but.. seriously.. im wondering if S also has the same feeling..
wahahhaa.
shall ask him someday.. (:
okay.. im not being KPO.
just that.. this is the only entertainment which motivate me to go work after school..
hahaha.

today... wanted to go back to the clinic to request for one more day MC.
but. i didnt. so went back to work..
lucky i went lor.. behind only 5 people..
and. boss left at 6pm..
so busy marking the DTsss..
and. again.. a lot of probs la..
tired of talking and talking abt it alr..

2010-02-20T23:02:00.002+08:00

flu bug!
super tired.
falling sick at this period.
so many projects not done yet..
school.. projects.. assignments.. work... tuition..
how to not feel tired and stress? and... depressed?
no time to go out now.
and... im super not motivated.. keep telling myself to start my project!
but.. i just cant~
always do it super late.. MIDNIGHT~
thats when i got the mood to do...
im weird.. i knw..

and. i have a super impulsive decision..
i want to sell off my 3months-old....... phone!
suddenly, i see nothing to own such a phone.
but. the prob is.. if i were to sell off, i will LUGI quite a bit.
but... i really feel like la! [and thts my pattern what... once decided, it means CONFIRMED!]

1 month plus to EXAMS again~
so fast!!!
im dying soon...

2010-02-17T19:51:00.002+08:00

i feel so depressed now.
tears rolled down when im on my way to school today.
im super stress.
i dnt knw who to go to.
i feel so tired.
feel like hiding at home forever.
fall sick on the eve of LNY.
sorethroat.cough.FEVER.
can see how tired and stress am i?
nobody will understand.
my brain is super heavy.
and. i cant hold it anymore.
bursting soon..

-G O N E-

and. CAN YOU PLEASE STOP IRRITATING ME?
I DNT LIKE............!!!!
STOP IT!

2010-01-28T13:43:00.005+08:00

I got my results!
first time in my life i have such results! :)

eh.. i want to buy clothes and shoes!
but... dnt hv leh!

2010-01-26T10:03:00.004+08:00

23-01-2010..
met up with teng and aili..
was trying to hunt for clothes,
but. again.. FAILED! haha!
i wonder whats with me?!
i just cant seem to see anything i like,
am i too fussy? =x HAHAHA!
then afterthat, met up with wenya, wai and jing..
for dinner! Thai Express.. wenya's treat :)
then, they went to watch bei's performance with me.
okay. i think they make an effort to meet up with me for my bday..?
but, i felt so sorry! bcos i left them after the first part of performance..
afterthat, they went to K, and i met up with teng and aili again..
anyway, thanks wenya and jing for buying a 'clothes' for my DS! HAHA! :)
then, the 3 of us walked ard.. till is almost time for bei's last part of performance.
then, han and fio joined us..
after the performance ended, teng, han, fio, bei and me went for supper~
hmmm. aili went home, bcos she was tired..
went xinwang! their treat!
claiming tht it was for my bday... :)
and, xinwang gave me a SUPER BIG xinwang's cup for my bday! HAHA!
(okay, is all bcos i signed up as their member tht day, and is my bday month.. haha)
aftertht, HOME! is was alr about 2am when i reached home~

25-01-2010...
after school, met up with Zulia..
went to Clem's KBOX. for kdinner.
here comes the interesting part~
after the dinner, she went to the toilet.. and. after 20minutes, she is still not back yet..
i started to get worried, and called her..
but she didnt answer..
*ring....ring....ring...*
and she came in.. with a plastic bag in her hand..
(then i was like i thought you drop inside the toilet bowl.. =x HAHAHA!)
she said she went to buy sth for her sisters..
then, we continued singing..
after a while, someone came in with a cake and a candle on it..
then she started singing for me.. -_-
and, we were like laughing..
so.. the person asked if we want them to sing for me, he can ask his friends..
then zulia said okay..
3guys singing for me.. SO PAISEI CAN?
HAHAHAHA! and. tht guy gave me Treasure Hunt Stickers!!!!
claiming tht it is from the Kbox to me... LOLLLLL!
SUPER FUNNY!
haha.. okay.. anyway.. this is an unplanned surprise from ZULIA :)
THANKYOU for making an effort! =D

26-01-2010...
as usual... school then WORK!
but. im very very very HAPPY!
bcos, boss was not ard! HAHA!
but, the kids were super noisy~
but. i still want to thank weishan, huiping, renise and michelle for singing me a bday song!
HAHAHA!
and. the kids super funny.. "no wonder you never wear specs, because is ur bday!"
what logic is tht? so cute right? haha..
and tht weishan called me: "ai mei po!" -_- HAHAHA..
and.. thankyou bam and LS for the presents!! :)
both things are what i needed and wanted to buy... =D
after work, went to meet bei, fio, teng and han..
okay.. first they told me bugis..
then.. orchard..
so.. i travelled to orchard station.
waited for them for like 20mins?
they called and told me SOMERSET..
omg.. so.. i travelled to somerset lor..
then.. they told me tht we are going to sing K..
i was like: "eh. i went to sing last night too.."
but. then we still went la..
went inside the room, and all the talkings..
and.. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU..............." :)
and. they super funny. kept asking me abt camera..
i was like super blur..
then i realised what happend.. they (bei, teng, fio, han and aili) bought me a cam! :)
okay.. seriously, im very very touched! and i really didnt expect them to like celebrate for me again... since they treat me supper the other day alr..
all of them are like so tired, esp teng.. but they waited for me just to celebrate with me...
and.. han also rushed down from work... and.. she is working morning shift the next day..
and... we went home abt 3AM lor..
i felt so bad.... but still...
THANKYOU GIRLS! for making my day a memorable one! :)

Thankyou for the wishes, surprises and presents!
Thankyou for remembering my birthday!
(okay, i knw tht there is this thing call facebook....)
but, at least you all still make an effort to wish me!! :)

2010-01-20T21:20:00.002+08:00

i hv so many assignments!
and. i dnt knw what to do..
and where to start..
so tired!

tmr, morning lesson! 8.30!
to 11.30am.
then. after that another lesson..
to 3.15pm..
then, WORK!
to 10pm...
omg!

how am i going to survive?
i hv been having insomnia for the past few days...
cant sleep!
hope i can sleep tonight~

2010-01-10T22:10:00.002+08:00

went Toa Payoh last night after work.
with my aunty, uncle and cousins.
nothing much.
still dnt hv New Year's atmosphere leh.
haha.

then today, met Jiamin.
went IMM but nothing, so ended up in town.
okay. we are like forever stucked at TOWN AREA.
this is the second time alr. HAHA!
the other time was like just 2-3 weeks ago.
BUT, we are always walking ard, and nothing to do.
just keep talking and talking. LOL.
we are forever anticipating to buy something.
but. forever not buying anything.
okay. maybe one or two things.
but. is always not the ones we wanted to buy.
conclusion, we cannot go TOWN AREA!
HAHAHA!

SCHOOLLLLLLL tomorrow!
im anticipating.
but. meanwhile, im so reluctant.
because, i dnt like the people in my class!
especially the guys.
they are all........
i dnt knw how to describe them.
i just dnt like them!

2010-01-08T23:36:00.003+08:00

tmr is sat!
another busy day!
omg! there will be 12 new students coming for orientation tmr!
can you imagine if all the 12 really turned up?
BUSY!
and.. if half of them signed up, BUSY!
i seriously think tht boss can reach her 400subject count easily~
these few days, so many new students lor..
and those ex-students are coming back one by one too.

oh! and boss told us tht..
basically we will have no toilet break from 9.30-11.30am..
because is busyyyyyyyyy!
FULL HOUSE!
OMG OMG OMG!!
and. i guess i will be walking ard again~
double sianssss~

2010-01-08T21:47:00.002+08:00

is 2010! fast eh!
im like turning 22 SOON!
is like im feeling more and more old la.
8 more years, and im 30! can you imagine?
OMG!

and. school is starting next week!
my one week holiday.... GONE! in a blink!
so fastttt.
and. work is so tiring these few days.
marking and more marking.
hmmm.. okay.. not much marking for me..
except on wed.
for me.. is.. walking and more walking.
so tired lor.
i rather sit down and mark..
but. no seats for me~
and.. someone keeps ordering me to do SIMPLE things.
cant she just do on her own?
give me your pay la, then i help you!
how peaceful when she is not ard.
she is much more bossy than boss..
who is she to order us?
like whatever lor! always make small matter into big matter.
super attract attention!
keep saying tht someone want to replace you..
so.. are you saying tht you are staying FOREVER?
then stop saying tht you are going to sch...
and act one.
sick and tired to hear this over and over again..

GRRRRRR..
i was so angry yesterday la..
and.. was nagging and nagging to bam and SL.
LOLLLLL.
after work, LS also complained to us..
so the prob is not me okay!
SHE IS JUST IRRITATING!!!!!!!!
the other day, she was trying to make me tell her how much is my bonus..
do you think im stupid?
is like.. i think you are alr laughing at my rate the other time when you knw that im not the same as you.. so.. will i still tell you?

2009-12-30T12:32:00.003+08:00

is finally over!!
im totally drained out this few weeks.
never get to have a nice sleep.
keep having itchy throat on and off.
keep coughing on and off because of that itchness.
keep having sore throat on and off.
keep having the feeling of breathless.
keep having chest discomfort.
im so worried that i will just die like that.
even now, im having this feeling.
think is because im really too tired..
i only hv one week holiday.
and i think my one week holiday will also be gone.
YAH! you are right! most likely i will be called back to work.
since, is after the holiday, there will be lots of markings.

but..
im very happy!
because is finally overrrrr! (:

2009-12-23T13:27:00.003+08:00

2 down (:

hope i can get at least a B! i study so hard lor.

memorised until i crazy.

keep reciting..

sleep, go toilet, bath, watch tv, in the bus, or whatever i do.

i just keep recite and recite and recite.

people come and go.

why?